Joe Paterno Presser from Today.
Posted: May 30th, 2008, 9:42 pm
ASSociated Press
Even in his ripe old age, Coach Paterno is still as sharp as a tick's fang when it is digging into the warm, raw skin of a deer or an 8 year old playing in the woods. Joe's been on that sideline for over 60 years and hasn't changed a thing, which he is alone in being proud of. Still, the naysayers naysay and the critics criticize this legendary coach. Today was no exception. Coach Paterno fielded an assortment of questions during his press conference. At his side is future Penn State Head-Coach Jay Paterno, who has already showed that he is deserving of his father's throne. Penn State fans eagerly await 2009.
"Coach, I know this is a stupid question, but should the fans expect anything new in 2008?"
"Sure, lots of stuff, an' nat. You know. An' nat. We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I took the ferry to Bellefonte. I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Bellefontetownville, which is what they called Bellefonte in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Give me five bees for a quarter you'd say. Now where were we, oh ya. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because if the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones."
"Any update on the quarterback situation?"
"You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub. I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a walking bird. We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball."
"Any reaction to Taylor and Bowman's guilty pleas?"
"Who?"
"Navorro Bowman."
"Navajo boatman? I never even been to Arizonee, what do I need a boatman for?"
"Do you have any comment on the guilty pleas?"
"Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges ... and I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain ... and, that's everything that happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call."
"We're in a conference room, coach."
"Now! Hey, listen! Now, my story begins in 19 dickety two. We had to say dickety 'cause that Kaiser had stolen our word twenty. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety six miles."
"Chased who, coach? And for what, the onion?"
"Taylor and Bowman, pfft. Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents 'til the cows came home! Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!"
"What happened to that apple pie that was sitting up there? Coach, are you sitting on it?"
"I sure hope so."
Even in his ripe old age, Coach Paterno is still as sharp as a tick's fang when it is digging into the warm, raw skin of a deer or an 8 year old playing in the woods. Joe's been on that sideline for over 60 years and hasn't changed a thing, which he is alone in being proud of. Still, the naysayers naysay and the critics criticize this legendary coach. Today was no exception. Coach Paterno fielded an assortment of questions during his press conference. At his side is future Penn State Head-Coach Jay Paterno, who has already showed that he is deserving of his father's throne. Penn State fans eagerly await 2009.
"Coach, I know this is a stupid question, but should the fans expect anything new in 2008?"
"Sure, lots of stuff, an' nat. You know. An' nat. We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I took the ferry to Bellefonte. I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Bellefontetownville, which is what they called Bellefonte in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Give me five bees for a quarter you'd say. Now where were we, oh ya. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because if the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones."
"Any update on the quarterback situation?"
"You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub. I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a walking bird. We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball."
"Any reaction to Taylor and Bowman's guilty pleas?"
"Who?"
"Navorro Bowman."
"Navajo boatman? I never even been to Arizonee, what do I need a boatman for?"
"Do you have any comment on the guilty pleas?"
"Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges ... and I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain ... and, that's everything that happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call."
"We're in a conference room, coach."
"Now! Hey, listen! Now, my story begins in 19 dickety two. We had to say dickety 'cause that Kaiser had stolen our word twenty. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety six miles."
"Chased who, coach? And for what, the onion?"
"Taylor and Bowman, pfft. Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents 'til the cows came home! Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!"
"What happened to that apple pie that was sitting up there? Coach, are you sitting on it?"
"I sure hope so."