Any good jokes?
- brlnsoccerchick19
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So this guy goes walking on the beach one day and trips over something in the sand. He digs it out and finds out it is a magic lamp. He takes it home and talks to the genie inside.
"You have three wishes that I will grant you. The only thing is that it won't be granted immediately; it will take effect when you wake up the morning after," the genie said.
The guy didn't care, so he wished for a Fararri. When he woke up the next morning, he looked out his window and there sitting in his driveway was a Fararri. He believed it now, so made his second wish for $100,000,000. When he woke up the NEXT morning there was $100,000,000 in small bills all around his house.
"Alright, Genie," the guy said. "You've proven yourself, now for my final wish I want a **** that is long enough to touch the ground."
The genie just kind of shook his head in disbelief but said "Okay...your wish is my command.....
And when the guy woke up the next morning his legs were 3 inches long. :cheesy:
"You have three wishes that I will grant you. The only thing is that it won't be granted immediately; it will take effect when you wake up the morning after," the genie said.
The guy didn't care, so he wished for a Fararri. When he woke up the next morning, he looked out his window and there sitting in his driveway was a Fararri. He believed it now, so made his second wish for $100,000,000. When he woke up the NEXT morning there was $100,000,000 in small bills all around his house.
"Alright, Genie," the guy said. "You've proven yourself, now for my final wish I want a **** that is long enough to touch the ground."
The genie just kind of shook his head in disbelief but said "Okay...your wish is my command.....
And when the guy woke up the next morning his legs were 3 inches long. :cheesy:
lol thats pretty good berlinchick...that joke reminded me of this one...
a few guys go to this bar and they see an old man sitting in the corner by himself with a head the size of a cue ball...the guys just look at the old man with amazement because his head was so very small...one of the fellas decide to go over and ask the man why his head was so small...the man says "well back when i was in the war, we were on a beach and i came across a lamp and out came a genie...she said she would grant me three wishes...the first thing i wished for was to be back home in america...next thing i know there i am at my home...my next wish was to be a millionaire...sure enough the genie granted my wish and i was loaded...finally i asked her if she would have sex with me and she said no, so asked her for at least a little head"
a few guys go to this bar and they see an old man sitting in the corner by himself with a head the size of a cue ball...the guys just look at the old man with amazement because his head was so very small...one of the fellas decide to go over and ask the man why his head was so small...the man says "well back when i was in the war, we were on a beach and i came across a lamp and out came a genie...she said she would grant me three wishes...the first thing i wished for was to be back home in america...next thing i know there i am at my home...my next wish was to be a millionaire...sure enough the genie granted my wish and i was loaded...finally i asked her if she would have sex with me and she said no, so asked her for at least a little head"
- brlnsoccerchick19
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Haha, Cube....yours is great...I love that one!
No offense to you WVU fans, but being the hardcore Pitt fan that I am, I can't resist putting this on here....
A Pitt fan used to amuse himself by scaring every hoopie fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their blue and gold colors. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and then he would swerve back on the road just before hitting them. One day, as the van driver was driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" I'm going to give Mass at St. Joseph's Church, about five miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the van continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Mountaineer fan strutting down the road, and instinctively he swerved as if to hit him. But as usual, just in time, he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the guy. Even though he was certain he missed the guy, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, but he didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that hoopie fan." That's OK" replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
No offense to you WVU fans, but being the hardcore Pitt fan that I am, I can't resist putting this on here....
A Pitt fan used to amuse himself by scaring every hoopie fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their blue and gold colors. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and then he would swerve back on the road just before hitting them. One day, as the van driver was driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" I'm going to give Mass at St. Joseph's Church, about five miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the van continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Mountaineer fan strutting down the road, and instinctively he swerved as if to hit him. But as usual, just in time, he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the guy. Even though he was certain he missed the guy, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, but he didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that hoopie fan." That's OK" replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
There was these two guys. One was gay and he wanted to show his friend what it was like to go into a gay bar. BEsides he told him, they are playing football there tonight. So the friend, who isnt gay and marrried, was like ok what the heck. So they go in and his friend explains to him how it is played and they watch. There is a line that is marked and U have to pee over the line and then u bend over and FART for the extra point. SO the guy watches and watches these guys pee from incredible distances and leaving incredible farts. he was always athletic and loved to compete. It just so happens he had to pee badly so he decided to play. He steps up and starts peeing I MEAN PEEING BIG TIME. It was a really long stream. The bar goes crazy they are hooping and hollering!! He bends over and is ready to fart the extra point when someone yells " BLOCK THE KICK, BLOCK THE KICK!!!!!!"
Theres this kid about 10 years old and his parents are divorced. This kid cant decide who he wants to live with his mom or his dad because everytime he is with them, his parents beat him. So him and his parents went to court to see who would have custody of this kid, and the judge cant decide because both of the kids parents beat him. So the judge asks the kid who he wants to live with and he siaz, "THe steelers because they dont beat anybody"
"Some time, Rock, when the team is up against it, when things are wrong and the breaks are beating the boys - tell them to go in there with all they've got and win just one for the Gipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Rock. But I'll know about it, and I'll be happy."
- Captain Coveman
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In a recent Penn State biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen, which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply, who shall remain nameless, was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply, who shall remain nameless, was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat
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MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
Small Feeet, Small Feeet!
- Captain Coveman
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A college prof reminds her class of tomorrow's final. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for u not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury/illness or a death in ur immediate family but that's it, no other excuses!" A smart-**** guy in the back raised his hand and asks, "What would u say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the prof smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess u'd have to write the exam with ur other hand."
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There was a manager who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, I've got a headache!'
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, I've got a headache!'
Small Feeet, Small Feeet!