Any good jokes?

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Gunner18
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Post by Gunner18 »

phil is walking through the woods one day and he sees a guy standing there taking a leak. phil notices the guy is large in that area and approaches him about it. the man says that he just wished for it and that if he'd like phil can have the same size. phil asks how and the man replies that he is a leprechaun and can grant any wish, so phil agrees but the leprechaun says that phil must have sex with him before he can be granted his wish, so phil thinks for a while and hesitantly agrees. a few minutes later as the leprechaun is hard at work with phil, he asks phil how old he is. phil replies that he is 17. the leprechaun then says "arent ya a lil old to b believing in leprechauns?" :lol:
STRAIGHT
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WALTER4
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Post by WALTER4 »

how many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb

2 one to screw it in and one to say FABULOUS!
The Flyers are just like the Titanic. They both look good until they hit the ice

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old school
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Post by old school »

Why can't Helen Keller drive?


BECAUSE SHE IS A WOMAN
"The old lessons (work, self-discipline, sacrifice, teamwork, fighting to achieve) aren't being taught by many people other than football coaches these days....." Paul "Bear" Bryant
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Post by Anonymous »

A couple of women golfers were playing one sunny afternoon. The first one tee'd off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing an adjacent hole. Sure enough, one of them is hit and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell down to the ground and rolled in agony. The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to try to ease his pain. The man was moaning in great pain, but said, "I'll be all right".....I'll be ok in a little while." This said as he remained in a fetal position still clasping his hands at his crotch. But she persisted, and finally he allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away from his groin and laid them to his sides, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning a gentle massage. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "OHHHH, YEAHHH....it feels really great", he exclaimed, "but my THUMB still hurts like hell!"
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brlnsoccerchick19
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Post by brlnsoccerchick19 »

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistan dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing," said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
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Post by NbSoccer01 »

What is the similar about the tortoise and Michele Jackson?


They both tried to get there before the hair.
Spare the fenders, save the trees, give the sober friend the keys.
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Post by Anonymous »

The bride came down the aisle, and when she reached the altar, saw that the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here"?
He looked her straight in the eyes and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"


A golfer on the 1st tee set up his ball and took a mighty swing and hit it into a group of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree and carommed back, hitting him in the forehead and killing him instantly.

As he approached the Gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked "Are you a good golfer?" To which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
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Post by Anonymous »

A tourist was traveling through Canada on vacation when, to his dismay, he discovers he had lost his wallet and all his ID.

Cutting his trip short, he attempts to come home but is stopped by Customs agents at the border.

May I see your ID please? asks the agent.

I lost my wallet, replied the man.

Sure, buddy, I hear that one every day, eh? No ID, no crossing the border, says the agent.

But I can prove that I'm an American! he exclaims.

I have a tattoo of Ronald Reagan on one butt cheek and one of George Bush on the other.

The agent says, This I gotta see.

With that, the man dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent.

By golly, hoser, you're right! the agent exclaimed. Go on home to Boston.

Oh, thank you, sir! But how did you know I was from Boston?

The agent replied, I recognized the picture of John Kerry in the middle of the other two!
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Post by dangerousmind »

This joke is ok. Not the best but since we live in a farming county.

There were only three bulls in a pasture and they were talking about the new bull that was arriving later that day. The first bull said, "I have about twenty of the cows following me and I am not sharing them. The next one said, " I only have about ten but I'm not sharing them either." The last one said, "I only have two but he isn't getting them."

Later that day, the new bull arrived. He was the meanest looking bull that any of them had ever seen. He had a ring through his nose and huge horns. The first bull said, " I changed my mind, he can have as many of my cows as he wants." The second one agreed. They looked toward the third bull and he was jumping all around and snorting at the new bull. The other bulls were like, "What are you doing? He will tear you apart!" The third bull was like, "I don't want him thinking I am another one of them cows, I want him to know I am a bull!!"
"Mental toughness can take you to the top, and mental weakness straight to the bottom."
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Everettbandsoccleader
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Post by Everettbandsoccleader »

The Four Nuns
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother s car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbor’s dog and killed it. "The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.

The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."




not a really good joke, but it's better than some..
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