I'll Admit I Was Wrong About Dorsett
Posted: May 26th, 2006, 3:40 pm
ASSOCIATED PRESS---
Hoss "Bill" Cartwright reporting
Tony Dorsett is many things, but weak of heart he is not. To add to his illustrious list of charities, this week Dorsett and a dozen students completed the first ever running backs camp run by the former Heisman winner and NFL hero. Dorsett is no stranger to charity and no stranger to the improvment of young males in any way he can participate. "This camp is just another way for me to teach my principles to the youth of America," said Dorsett. Dorsett has been accused of many things recently, some well-founded, like the accusation that he may be a wimpering coward of a man. "I just don't understand that. I made my reasons for missing the Quarterback Challenge very clear. It had nothing to do with my leg. I am straight-up afraid of Jay Novachek."
Jay Novachek, like Dorsett, is a former Cowboy who played during a great run of Cowboy teams. Both have more in common though, too. Both are former Heisman winners, both are in the NFL Hall of Fame, and both have recently released a string of food products that are either fried chicken or taste like it. Novachek made the comments that alluded to the nationwide scandal weeks back that led to America calling Dorsett a downright cowardly human being for ducking the charitable Quarterbacks Challenge. America stood behind their tight end. The Geritol General himself, Roger Staubach, came out of retirement one last time through a string of ailments and terminal injuries and took part in the game to help out his fellow man, but Dorsett was too afraid to participate due to whining and utter fright. "I have opportunites that others do not. I have the opportunity to play golf with Shane Conlan, and I do not want to risk any injuries to my knee or body that would jeopardize this great opportunity to meet and play golf with a true hero and champion of a man like Shane Conlan truly is," Dorsett said.
To try and cover up the fact that he's a crybaby that has been babying a knee injury for 20 years and claims it never healed one tiny bit, Tony Dorsett created the free running backs clinic for eligible young high school players from the Pittsburgh area.
One such eligible player was The Hill District's very own Division I-A prospect Malikai "Sweetfeet" Washington, who had less than a good time at the camp. Because of what happened, Sweetfeet is not able to comment, but we did catch up with his father at the hospital. "Somethin' just wasn't right up there at that camp. My son, he gots what some people call 'pwoblems' and we seen Dorsett's camp as a good way to help muh son elevate his potential to escape da hood and play fo' da NFL teamz. Because Bishop McCort is so far away, it is hard for muh son to get the opportunity to play in the NFL like all those kids at McCort have. We really jumped at da chance fo' Dorsett to be able to teach muh son some sweet moves in da backfieldz." But it didn't turn out like the family had hoped. "Muh son just... just started bein' all weird, all strange. He came back home and he was... he was a changed man. Things was just not right." When pressed for a more detailed answer, Malikai's father finally gave in. "Muh son was beaten severely when he came back and went to football practice with his high school team. He started dressin' all weird, and was always carryin' around that box of kleenex. He was gettin' all emotional, and was afraid to walk around because he was scared he'd get hurt. But what pushed his teammates over da edge was when Malikai started wearin' dresses under his uniform, and puttin' on lipstick." Malikai's teammates couldn't take it anymore and gave in to primal instincts. Machine-Gun Jackson, the team's star defensive tackle, had this to say: "Dat boy is crazy now. He all scared and he all womanly and he yellow, just like dat fried-chicken flavored crackhead Dorsett. Malikai Washington is a +#@$*& coward."
Results were similar from all the players who attended Dorsett's camp. When questioned about this, Dorsett was unavailible for comment because he is touring the Orient looking for something to turn into fried chicken marinade.
Anyone interested in the 2007 Tony Dorsett Coward Academy for running backs is advised to send applications in as early as possible.
Hoss "Bill" Cartwright reporting
Tony Dorsett is many things, but weak of heart he is not. To add to his illustrious list of charities, this week Dorsett and a dozen students completed the first ever running backs camp run by the former Heisman winner and NFL hero. Dorsett is no stranger to charity and no stranger to the improvment of young males in any way he can participate. "This camp is just another way for me to teach my principles to the youth of America," said Dorsett. Dorsett has been accused of many things recently, some well-founded, like the accusation that he may be a wimpering coward of a man. "I just don't understand that. I made my reasons for missing the Quarterback Challenge very clear. It had nothing to do with my leg. I am straight-up afraid of Jay Novachek."
Jay Novachek, like Dorsett, is a former Cowboy who played during a great run of Cowboy teams. Both have more in common though, too. Both are former Heisman winners, both are in the NFL Hall of Fame, and both have recently released a string of food products that are either fried chicken or taste like it. Novachek made the comments that alluded to the nationwide scandal weeks back that led to America calling Dorsett a downright cowardly human being for ducking the charitable Quarterbacks Challenge. America stood behind their tight end. The Geritol General himself, Roger Staubach, came out of retirement one last time through a string of ailments and terminal injuries and took part in the game to help out his fellow man, but Dorsett was too afraid to participate due to whining and utter fright. "I have opportunites that others do not. I have the opportunity to play golf with Shane Conlan, and I do not want to risk any injuries to my knee or body that would jeopardize this great opportunity to meet and play golf with a true hero and champion of a man like Shane Conlan truly is," Dorsett said.
To try and cover up the fact that he's a crybaby that has been babying a knee injury for 20 years and claims it never healed one tiny bit, Tony Dorsett created the free running backs clinic for eligible young high school players from the Pittsburgh area.
One such eligible player was The Hill District's very own Division I-A prospect Malikai "Sweetfeet" Washington, who had less than a good time at the camp. Because of what happened, Sweetfeet is not able to comment, but we did catch up with his father at the hospital. "Somethin' just wasn't right up there at that camp. My son, he gots what some people call 'pwoblems' and we seen Dorsett's camp as a good way to help muh son elevate his potential to escape da hood and play fo' da NFL teamz. Because Bishop McCort is so far away, it is hard for muh son to get the opportunity to play in the NFL like all those kids at McCort have. We really jumped at da chance fo' Dorsett to be able to teach muh son some sweet moves in da backfieldz." But it didn't turn out like the family had hoped. "Muh son just... just started bein' all weird, all strange. He came back home and he was... he was a changed man. Things was just not right." When pressed for a more detailed answer, Malikai's father finally gave in. "Muh son was beaten severely when he came back and went to football practice with his high school team. He started dressin' all weird, and was always carryin' around that box of kleenex. He was gettin' all emotional, and was afraid to walk around because he was scared he'd get hurt. But what pushed his teammates over da edge was when Malikai started wearin' dresses under his uniform, and puttin' on lipstick." Malikai's teammates couldn't take it anymore and gave in to primal instincts. Machine-Gun Jackson, the team's star defensive tackle, had this to say: "Dat boy is crazy now. He all scared and he all womanly and he yellow, just like dat fried-chicken flavored crackhead Dorsett. Malikai Washington is a +#@$*& coward."
Results were similar from all the players who attended Dorsett's camp. When questioned about this, Dorsett was unavailible for comment because he is touring the Orient looking for something to turn into fried chicken marinade.
Anyone interested in the 2007 Tony Dorsett Coward Academy for running backs is advised to send applications in as early as possible.