Dave Wannstedt Resigns as Pitt Head Coach

[The Ancient Enemy]

Not smart: Dave Wannstedt

ASSOCIATED PRESS --

L. Brewer reporting

In a move that surprised the college football world even more than his complete ineptitude on the football field, recently-hired Pitt Head Coach Dave Wannstedt has stepped aside. The shocking news comes after just three games into his freshman season on the Panther sidelines. "I'm so frustrated. It's as if we are clueless," says Wannstedt.


Former Miami Hurricane and Dallas Cowboys Head Coach Jimmy Johnson shown here telling Wannstedt that he cannot believe anyone hired him to begin with.

The Pitt Panthers have been battling criticism since their opening-game loss to ex-Patriots offensive coordinator Charlie Weis and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Pitt fans and players had high expectations this season, and entered the year as a top 25 team, at 23rd. But the Irish put a quick stomp on all of that over-blown hype, by beating the crap out of Pitt. Looking to rebound the following weekend against a team ranked 110 out of 119 teams, Pitt also was outscored at the game's conclusion. This time by an Ohio Bobcat defensive back, who's name is not even worth mentioning because he'll never have another interception in his life. Pitt lost to the defensive back 12-10, but lost to the Ohio Bobcats 16-10. After huge and rational criticisms by everyone who does not live in Alleghany County, Wannstedt and his clueless team travelled to Lincoln to take on another former NFL head coach, the idiotic Bill Callahan. But Callahan and Wannstedt differ on the spectrum: Callahan has proven he is not downright pathetic as a football coach. "We really needed to win that game. I'm so frustrated and clueless," said Wannstedt in a post-game conference.


Where Frustration and Cluelessness Meet: Dave Wannstedt

The high hopes of the Pitt Panthers and their fans are in even more jeopardy going into this week, despite Wannstedt's resignation, after offensive coordinator Matt Cavanaugh, who's resume is almost as bad as Wannstedt's, announced his extreme crack addiction to his team and fans. "Did you see those plays I called? I'm on crack, dude. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK!!!!"


Crack is a hell of a drug.

The Panthers are now forced to find a quick replacement as head coach, and the administration has pointed out that they want someone who can double, temporarily at least, as offensive coordinator as well. The Pitt Athletic Director, Jeff Long, had this to say: "We want someone who is not a bozo or a crack addict. Dave and Matt's resignations have left us in an even worse bind than before they left, if that's even possible. We do not want to turn the program over to another assistant head coach or the defensive coordinator, because those guys are stupid as hell too. We need someone who has been good lately and who will strike fear into our competition and team, and TERRORIZE the Big East."

That's exactly what they got. The University of Pittsburgh is set to announce at a press conference later today their new head coach of football, Muammar Qaddafi.


Panther Head Coach Muammar Qaddafi is excited about his new role. "Missiles, missiles, bombing, bombing! I love Tyler Palko! I love this country!!!"

Coach Qaddafi's resume includes being a dictator known as much for sponsoring international terrorism as his impeccable fashion sense, Libya's self-proclaimed "Guide of the Revolution" took power in a September 1969 military coup which deposed King Idriss. One of Colonel Muammar Qaddafi's first acts as dictator was to rework the calendar and rename all the months. He also published the Green Book -- not really an answer to Mao's Little Red Book, but rather a triad of brief pamphlets on the topics of Democracy, Economics, and Sociology.


The University of Pittsburgh has made it known that they understand and welcome Coach Qaddafi's imminent change in the Panthers' uniforms.

Former President Ronald Reagan's personal appraisal of the man: "I find he's not only a barbarian, but he's flaky. I just think that the man is a zealot." Primarily at issue was Qaddafi's longstanding support for international terrorism. He played host to both Abu Nidal and the infamous assassin Carlos the Jackal, or as you may remember him by his Christian name, "Bruce Willis".


Unhappy, middle-aged housewives everywhere will tell you that you can briefly see his **** in 'Color of Night'.

In all likelihood, Qaddafi ordered the bombing of Pan Am flight 103. Director of Athletics Jeff Long said, "Yeah, we know all about that Flight 103 hoopla. We ain't hearin' any of that sh*t right now. This man is the future of Pitt football. We have Tyler Palko here, folks. We are getting back to our BOMBING days when we had Danny Marino at the helm. We needed a guy who will connect with our past as a team not afraid to drop a bomb. Tyler has shown he loves to drop bombs on and off the field. Qaddafi will get us back to our days of terrorizing the skies... back to the future!"

[Head Roadie]

Have to admit, even as a Pitt fan, AE that was absolutely CLASSIC!
You get an A+ for creativity, humor.....absolutely classic.

[ham55]

TAE news, he reports, you dang well better decide his way...

[The Ancient Enemy]

Thank you, Head Roadie, I appreciate it. Really, I bridge gaps. Now give me Florida over Georgia by 20. hahaha

[CRplayer]

good thing dave never got the job of coachin the steelers back in the day

[fleaflicker]

Thank God for that!!! Even though it's good that he's coaching the Pitt Panthers with all these Pitt fans on the board thinking they're high and mighty. LOL.

[The Ancient Enemy]

After his 0-36 tenure at Pitt, expect Wanny to be coaching at Purchase Line.

[El-Moldo]

I love that second picture under this topic, the one of Jimmy Johnson with his hands squeezing his face. He's really thinking, "How did Ancient Enemy get accepted at UNT?"

[The Ancient Enemy]

Any college will take your money.

[El-Moldo]

The money. I forgot. That's what it's all about. That and the Hokey-Pokey.