Political humor

[LionPride]

Remember, this is just a joke............

Pope Benedict XVI while on a visit to several western states in America took a couple of days off to visit the Montana mountains for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along through a campground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat jogger, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" / "Bush Lied" T-shirt and a tree hugger hat, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope", another replied, "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about how we hunt bears! By the way, how is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to the jogging path and snatch a fresh one?"

[Counter Strike]

Don't Shoot the Messenger.....

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot
accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The
florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber
goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the
shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later, a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from
you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very
happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to
open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as
"How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from
you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy
and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up,
there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the right and the left.

[Lemmy]

Good one Lionspride, should I be worried about pickups circling me when I run. I do not want to end as bear bait.

I am thowing my limited resources behind this candidate for governor of Minnesota, even though his residence is New Jersey. Check out his site, it is a hoot. No D-nice, I am just joking about supporting him.

http://www.jonathonforgovernor.us/Home_page.html

[align=center]Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey
for
Governor of Minnesota -2006 [/align]

Honesty is very seldom heard nowadays, especially
from a politician. So, I am going to break from
political tradition. My name is Jonathon “The
Impaler” Sharkey, Ph.D., L.D.D.D. I am a Satanic Dark
Priest, Sanguinarian Vampyre and a Hecate Witch.
My Magikal Path name is: Lord Ares.

I despise and hate the Christian God the Father. He
is my enemy.

However, it doesn't mean that I hate all his
followers. This Country was founded on religious
rights and freedoms. This is guaranteed under the
1st Amendment of our great constitution. This right
allows me to worship Lucifer and the Goddess
Hecate, just as it allows you to worship the
Goddess/God of your choice.

[foghorn]

"The Ballad of George W. Bush"

Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush,
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about,
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale,
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk,
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam,
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred,
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored,
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be,"
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late,
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls,"
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in,
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation,
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.

[foghorn]

"If guns are outlawed, how will conservatives win any arguments?" - Unknown

[LionPride]

You Might Be A Democrat If...

* You own something that says, "Dukakis for President, " and still display it.
* You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."
* You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.
* You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."
* You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
* You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
* You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
* You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.
* You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.
* You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
* You've never been mugged.
* You actually expect to collect Social Security.
* You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
* You think the Great Society has actually worked.
* You don't see the similarity between WONK and WANK.
* You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President."
* You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.
* Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.
* You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
* Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."
* You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
* You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
* You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
* You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
* You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
* You know at least one Vegan.
* You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
* You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.
* You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY.
* You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.
* You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.
* You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.
* You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
* You think that Joan Baez had something to say.
* You admire the Swedish welfare system.
* You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."
* You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%
* You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
* After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."

[LionPride]

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: Why did God create Democrats?
A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.

Q: What is a recent Democrat graduate's usual question in his first job?
A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?

Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.

[D-nice]

this is supposed to be funny? this is all true stuff. not very funny. actually scary.

[Pale Rider]

"The greatest humor has a bit of truth to it" , to paraphrase Rush Limbaugh. Those were sooooo funny simply BECAUSE they are ALL TRUE!

[LionPride]

"NBC has canceled the 'West Wing.' The 'West Wing' has been canceled. See that's when you know things are bad, when even fictional Democrats aren't doing well." --Jay Leno

"New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin said that New Orleans, when rebuilt, will be a chocolate city. And he will be the delicious nut in the center." --Amy Poehler

Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.