Pitt QB Tyler Palko Leaves School to Pursue Dreams.

[The Ancient Enemy]

ASSOCIATED PRESS--
Jose "Exxon" Valdez Jr. reporting

PITTSBURGH -- Going into his senior campaign as the leader of the Pitt Panther offense, hopes were high that quarterback Tyler Palko would not only be included in the list of potential Heisman candidates, but would lead the Pitt football program back from the depths of hilarious mediocrity that Dave Wannstedt put them in. Fortunately for young Tyler, he only had to deal with Wannstedt for one season instead of two. People who have the capacity for common sense knew that another season with Wanny's tutelage would only drop Palko's draft status even lower than Wanny already took it. Dave Wannstedt has received plenty of deserving ridicule already, but he did however achieve his primary goal, which was to prove to the world that he could virtually ruin a player as good as even Tyler Palko.

Tyler was recruited by former Pitt coach Walt Harris a few years ago, a man who has since left Oakland and taken his speech-impeded talents to Stanford. The main attraction at Pitt for Tyler was Harris, who was an NFL quarterbacks coach, in theory. Because of this supposed job and the fact that Harris never had any trouble recruiting quality receivers, Palko made the decision to make his home Pitt.

Palko turned out to be a great quarterback for the Panthers. But when Harris left at the end of the 2004 season, after a very impressive blowout loss to a school who isn't even in a BCS conference, a large question mark was placed beside Palko's name. Would he continue to progress as a quarterback under a defensive-oriented head coach, or would he take a big step backwards?

The latter prevailed, as Wannstedt's Panthers suffered numerous hilarious defeats on national television in 2005. Questions were raised about the potential for the 2006 campaign, but Pitt really couldn't go much lower. There was nowhere to go but upwards. But in a move that left the college football world shocked, Palko has decided to quit college and start making some money in the real world. "Honestly, I'm just glad it's over," said Tyler in a vulgarity-loaded interview. All F words have been deleted from his statements. "If I play one more day for Dave Wannstedt I'm going to kill myself. So I decided if my death was imminent, I might as well be patriotic about it."

The former Pitt quarterback admits he learned nothing from Wannstedt, but will also admit that playing under a real bozo gave him a backhanded gift. "I realized quickly how fast I really am on my feet. With Dave and knucklehead Cavanaugh running things, there were a lot of opportunities for me to be beheaded quicker than a captured television crewman in Iraq. I had to learn to juke and jive and be light on my feet. Be agile and quick. Because every yard of offense we got all season was because of me having to dodge people at every angle."

Palko defied what many believed would be his life's career, which was playing the lead role in (hopefully) many 'Flashdance' and 'Karate Kid' remakes, given that headband he wears all the time. But he has decided to pursue what he calls his natural calling in life, which is a human landmine-detector for the US army. "It just seems natural to me now to go and do this. I wanna help my country, and I can only do that by doing what I know best, which is jumping out of the way real fast. I can thank Dave Wannstedt for this special gift. I see now why he was so successful in the NFL."

With Palko gone, that leaves the Pitt quarterback job up in the air. With proven champion Luke Getsy now at Akron, hero and leader Anthony Morelli chased off by Old Man Palko, and Pat Bostick entering the 8th grade, it looks like former running-back Larod Stephens (4'6" 107 lbs.) will take over the starting spot.

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Jose Valdez has been writing for the Associated Press for 11 minutes and can be contacted by attaching a string to the end of a soup can or putting your head in the toilet and screaming as loud as possible.