"Toof N Nail Show" Week 12

[Toof N Nail]

Welcome again, ladies, to the best weekly college football breakdowns, right here at the Toof N Nail Show. As always, I'm your host Oscar Childresson, and we are blessed with our guests, DeBiceps and The Ancient Enemy, senior NCAA analysts. We are on the heels of Spurrier saying he's going to South Carolina if Holtz resigns, and a big recruiting signing by both PSU and West Virginia. The season is winding down, let's get on to the show.


ISSUE VII: NOVEMBER 20TH, 2004 EDITION:
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- Give some notes on last weeks games

- Who is the most over-rated team in the country?

- Under-rated?

- Conference Outlooks (given every couple weeks)

- Quick Top 10

- Top 5 Heisman Candidates

- Sidekick's Pick of the Week

- Five guarantees

- Upset of the Week

- Relative of the Week

- Who is the worst program in the country

- Most Incompetent / Shadiest-Run Place in Johnstown

- Pitt / Penn State Weekend Outlook

- Nickname of the week

- You Have 5 Sentences, Go

[The Ancient Enemy]

Thanks, Kenny, for anotehr quality intro. I'd like to start with Steve Spurrier saying he wants to go to South Carolina. As hilarious as it would be for Holtz to give a screwjob to the entire Palmetto State, don't look for Holtzie to stick around next season. You can be rest-assured that analysts everywhere will let Lou Holtz know that it is time to get lost. Holtz is a stubborn man, but he's not going to screw the university and his players. He is not Steve Spurrier, and never will be. He took USC to the next level, but they cannot and will not get over that hump. I laugh at all these people saying the SEC is down this year. Why? Because Florida lost 4 games? Tennessee lost just as many games as they always do, and Georgia is just as over-rated as they always are. LSU is playing great football, and Alabama is the best 6-4 team in the history of college football. Auburn is also the best team in the country. What more do you want? What more happens in a normal SEC year? It is, and has been, the best conference in football, and will continue to be until the opening kickoff next season to start ACC play. Get a clue.


- Give some notes on last weeks games

First and foremost, Miami gets back on track after 2 consecutive losses and beats the best team on their schedule. Miami is the best program in the country, there is no debate. 9/10's of Miami's 22 starters will be drafted, and the other 1/10 will go to the World League and make it into the NFL after 6 months. NFL Coral Gables continues to dominate, and show that you don't even need to win the national title to be declared the best program in the universe. Toledo made it 11 straight against Northern Illinois, and that has to be a joke. No. Illy is so much better than Toledo. They have Conemaugh Township syndrome in Peoria, I guess. Texas needs a late-game surge to beat the mighty Jayhawks, and I can't wait until they play a team that they can't come back to defeat. I'm curious about the UT - A&M game. BC beat WVU, and that's no shocker considering how bad WVU has been playing. Boise needed 2 OT's to beat San Jose State, Palko dropped the bomb on the Irish and I loved it, Temple showed everybody why the Big East is a joke, Penn State stopped Indiana 4 plays in a row on the goal line, Auburn destroyed a very over-rated Georgia team, Michigan State exposed a very over-rated Wisconsin, UTEP needed OT to beat Rice, and Alabama got a MAJOR screwjob in the bayou.


- Who is the most over-rated team in the country?

It's absolutely Oklahoma. Terrible secondary, and they only beat Nebraska 30-3. Don't let that score fool you. Bob Stoops takes every attempt to pad the scores of his Sooner team, twice this season threw TD passes with less than a minute left and his team up big. Then Stoops says it's a conspiracy that ESPN is rooting for OU. I guess he hasn't hear anyone say that Adrian Peterson and Jason White are serious Heisman candidates, and I guess he's over-looking the fact that his team really isn't all that good. I pray to Jeebus that OU plays USC and gets torched for 50, or plays Auburn and has the ball pounded down their throats. OU's defense is a shambles up front and in the secondary. THAT is why they are over-rated.


- Under-rated?

Last week I said it was South Carolina, and they went out and got destroyed by a bad Florida team. Nice job. Georgia Tech is a candidate here, but I am going to go with Alabama. I'm not saying they'll beat Auburn on Saturday, but Alabama should have won that LSU game, and the SEC made yet another serious blunder in officiating. Alabama has a great defense, and they are very competitive with a backup at QB and RB. Tide is the most under-rated team.


- Conference Outlooks (given every couple weeks)


- Quick Top 10

1. Auburn
2. USC
3. Cal
4. Utah
5. Miami
6. Oklahoma
7. Michigan
8. Texas
9. Louisville
10. Iowa



- Top 5 Heisman Candidates

1. Jason Campbell (Auburn)
2. Cedric Benson (Texas)
3. Sonny Cumbie (Texas Tech)
4. Aaron Rodgers (Cal)
5. Timmy Chang (Hawaii)


- Sidekick's Pick of the Week

Caveman Analyst: "WAKE FOREST NO MATCH FOR BARAKA ATKINS. CRUK ANGRY BARAKA ATKINS NOT HEISMAN LEADER. CRUK SMASH WAKE FOREST. NOW CRUK TIRED. Zzzzz."



- Five guarantees

1. North Carolina over Duke
2. Cal over Stanford
3. Utah over BYU
4. Oregon State over Oregon
5. Iowa over Wisconsin


- Upset of the Week

A few nice potential upsets this week. Alabama over Auburn, Florida over Florida State, Iowa over Wisconsin, Louisiana Tech over Boise, Maryland over Virginia Tech. But the upset I am calling is Georgia Tech over Virginia.


- Relative of the Week

Uncle Ron. Nicknamed "Chops", Uncle Ron is famous for talking about female body-parts too much, and for holding his hands at his hips like guns, and asking me if I "saw any gunfights in Texas yet". He is also famous for being very nice, and for working for NASA.


- Who is the worst program in the country

No question. East Carolina. High-Seas Captain John Thompson walked the plank this week, and that all but assures one more season of terrible football in Greenville, as the team develops around a new system. Gotta love it. ECU stands up when others sit down. They refuse to win, and therefore are commended for it. They are extremely dedicated to lackluster performances, and are the absolute best at being terrible. Three cheers to the Pirates.


- Most Incompetent / Shadiest-Run Place in Johnstown

Conemaugh Hospital is a good choice, but the worst-run business in Johnstown is CK's Wings and Things. Not only do they refuse to answer the telephone during business hours, they also sometimes will try and talk you out of ordering because they just don't want to make it. They will also show up at your house for deliveries not one but two hours late, and have no excuse. They also have no concept of how to cook multiple items at once, and is a restaurant policy to put food under a heat lamp for 40 minutes until your fries are done. A+, folks.


- Pitt / Penn State Weekend Outlook

Panthers have the week off, and are prepping for their win over WVU next week. Penn State plays host to Michigan State in the season finale. Will be interesting to see if Mills decides to go out in a blaze of glory, or to play like the shoddy mess he really is. I think you already know the answer to that. Michigan State gets better every week, and has a quality coach. Michigan State throws the football, and will beat Penn State by 16 points.


- Nickname of the week

In honor of the Buffalos win last week over Kansas State, here's one from Colorado: "Rape U"


- You Have 5 Sentences, Go

I sleep 12 hours a night. One of the cats threw up in my apartment. I love when people argue with me that East Carolina is a good football team. DeBiceps and I are eagerly awaiting the Coral Gables trip. Pain good.

[Coach]

Now THAT was great, enjoyable reading!

[Coach]

bump....

more people need to read this, so I want to keep it towards the top and with a recent post so people will check it out.

[DeBiceps]

Well, Sampson.. Its great being here. I love everything, and everyone that supports the miami hurricanes. Also, i look great in tight clothing. On to the show

-Give some notes on last weeks games

First and foremost, like every week, we'll start with Miami. They proved to the world they're the best team in the country, wholloping Virgina in a game away from Coral Gables. They would have won by at least 2 more scores had there not been so many dropped passes. Penn State won in a blood bath with.. Indiana.. Pitt's Tyler Palko cussed his way to victory over the Irish,, West Virginia failed at running the table in a beat down agasint BC. Michigan State demolished the Badger's dreams of a perfect season (both of which i called), and Fresno State put up 70 on hawaii. What else is new?

- Who is the most over-rated team in the country?

Oklahoma. Auburn just beat Georgia, while OU beat someone i dont and will not ever care about. Enough Said. Also a candidate, WISCONSON. Finally the world saw how terrible both the offense and defense were on Alverez's crew of juviniles. Disgusting

- Under-rated?

I'm going to once again go with UTEP. Every time i consider the fact that this team lost only 2 games so far this season i shudder at the awesomeness of the job Mike Price is doing down there


- Quick Top 10

1. USC
2. Auburn
3. Cal
4. Miami
5. Virginia Tech
6. Michigan
7. OU
8. Texas
9. Utah
10. Boise St

- Top 5 Heisman Candidates
1. Reggie Bush, USC
2. Cedric Benson, Texas
3. Aaron Rogers, Cal
4. Brock Berlin, Miami
5. Sunny Cumbie, Texas Tech

- Sidekick's Pick of the Week

Kid Carbohydrate: Hey Guys! I'm gonna take OU over Baylor cause baylor is real crappy! WATAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

- Five guarantees
1. Miami over Wake
2. Michigan State over PSU
3. UAB over Army
4. Auburn over Alabama
5. Lousiville over Houston

- Upset of the Week

I dont know here.. With alot of options, i'm gonna take Ohio State over Michigan

- Relative of the Week

This one goes to Uncle Tim. Uncle Tim loves to run his mouth, giving people "the business" and looking like Kane. He has a wife and 2 kids. Happy Thanksgiving, uncle tim

- Who is the worst program in the country

East Carolina. Undoubtalblyseuly the worst assemblance of players on any field of play in any sport ever, their lack of talent and terrible uniforms will have them here for centuries

- Most Incompetent / Shadiest-Run Place in Johnstown

Agreed, it's CKs. For all of the exact same reasons TAE stated

- Pitt / Penn State Weekend Outlook

Coming off big time wins last week, Pitt is off and Penn State is playing Michigan State. Expect a 3-4 touchdown loss for the lions, proving to the world that Paterno is "turning it around" in happy valley.

- Nickname of the week

This goes out to you, Maurice- WE'LL BUY-O State Buckeyes

- You Have 5 Sentences, Go

I look really good when i wear a tie and glasses. I want to eat wings really bad tonight. The tap water in our bathroom sink is terrible. There will be a detour at South Carolina on the Coral Gables trip. Kodiak once ate and passed a Spork.