A Few NCAA Notes Thus Far from Your Literary Hero.

[The Ancient Enemy]

It was a close race until the end, but not even gorgeous Madeleine Stowe could make a Kurt Russell movie worth sitting through.

I know everyone is really pumped about the sweet 8 or whatever the hell its called. I am busy watching 'Soldier' with Kurt Russell or possibly Kirk Douglas and this movie is the most underrated comedy of all time if you catch my drift. There are not many things more hilarious than raising children their whole lives in secret army camps so that they can go and fight on "Argentina's Moons" or in the "Moscow Incident". I would like to point out that at no time in this movie was it ever established why in the hell Gary Busey was building an army or soldiers to begin with. I also really liked the 2.5 seconds of "Cashmere" by Led Zeppelin that was played for no apparent reason while some Japanese fellow with one eye shot a missle at Kirk Cameron. Speaking of Led Zeppelin, one of these days Jimmy Page and Robert Plant are going to die and the world is going to be a much better place. We got one in the ground, 3 more to go. Keep your fingers crossed.

As expected, MY Villanova Wildcats won yet again. Why are they MY team, you ask? Because I'm the only man on this board with any state pride. I root for Temple, St. Joes, Villanova, Bucknell, and Penn State. Why? Those other programs are no threat to the Nittany Lions except in a recruiting sense. They are not even in our conference. If you're a Pitt fan, I can see you rooting against Villanova just like you mongoloids all secretly wish that Penn State's bus would roll over a mountain and everyone would be killed, since Penn State is obviously the collective anti-Christ that those two knuckle-draggers talked about in those awful 'Left Behind' books that I'm sure more than a few of you have eagerly read.

Root for your teams. If you're a PSU fan and your team gets knocked out or doesn't even make it, pull for Nova and Bucknell. And in the NIT, root for Temple and St. Joe's. In football, pay attention to Temple. They may not be your favorite team, but they are your state's team. And for God sakes, people, show some support for the Philadelphia 76ers. It doesn't matter that all you losers are technically closer to Landover, Maryland than you are to Philadelphia. The Sixers are our team, not the Lakers, or Bulls, or anyone else. Yall are seriously making me sick with this Pennsylvania HATE. But everyone's a Steeler fan when the ballclub is winning games and Super Bowls, I forgot.


Even fellow Pollock Ivan Putski thinks Coach K. is overrated.

But let's talk a little about the NCAA tournament. The most overhyped player in college basketball history, JJ Reddick, looked like he was about to get so dang upset he was going to throw a one-man temper tandrum in front of those refs the other night. Those horrible refs, how about it? God forbid the Duke basketball team actually had to play a physical game for once this season. God forbid that Mr. Arrogance himself actually had to try to score points against a physical defense. We saw how that went. Scouts are already projecting Reddick as a late first-round pick since he can't play defense and because he gets rattled so badly. He was so rattled at the end of that game that every time he ran down the court I actually thought there was a Mariachi band in the other room with a bunch of maracas. But some stupid franchise will throw a ton of money at him because the media loves Duke and loves to see people shoot the ball and loves to dismiss the 700 other factors that make up a great basketball player. But Duke makes money, so time to ride that hog as long as we can and pay no heed to how overrated that program really is. And old Coach K had the nerve to say that he doesn't think Reddick is the most hated player in the game, he thinks he's the "most respected". Right. It has nothing to do with outside observers seeing an overhyped kid who couldn't even carry Bobby Hurley's jockstrap if he had to.


Next year Gonzaga is bringing in this baby to replace Adam Morrison.

Another big media misconception are the terms "emotional" and "bawl-baby" being synonimous. I'm sure you all witnessed America's Hero Adam Morrison laying on the court crying the other night. You don't see many pictures, though, of him being so distraught in crunch time that he was on the opposite end of the court wiping his eyes when they had a chance to take that last shot. The coach for that team couldn't even rely on Morrison when he needed to the most. No, Gonzaga turned to Batista, the same kid who has been flying under the radar all year and playing very good and winning them games when Morrison was being shut down defensively. That little episode reminded me of the time when after Jordan retired and the Bulls made the playoffs with Pippen. Pippen wouldn't even come off the bench to take the last shot for his team in crunch time. Now, I know that there are things in this world that affect you so much that you get caught up and just lose it, but the stories we have been hearing about Mr. Morrison are so ridiculous that that kid has got to be the biggest crybaby on the planet. I'm sure you all also saw the footage of him smacking himself in the face with the ball the other night too. I'm sure you also heard him say "my teammates know to just leave me alone and give me the ball". If one of my teammates said that, after there being times in THIS TOURNAMENT where other players carried the team when he disappeared, I would have probably thrown him down the steps. Somebody better teach that boy how to play defense too, because every team in the NBA has about 5 guys that are going to shut him down and get him rattled just like with Reddick. Basketball is not played on one end of the court.

DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE.


A rare glimpse of Dickie V. without his Duke facepaint.

Here's something I found that pretty much sums up how pathetic the announcing has been during this tournament so far. Credit goes to Corin Tucker's Stalker.

Paul: I can't believe he just sank that shot! If you had given an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters and an infinite amount of time, none of them would have made that basket. That was without a doubt the greatest play in the history of sports, and probably the most culturally significant event since little Elian Gonzalez went back to Cuba or stayed in the United States.

Dickie V: That's right, baby! That's what makes college hoops so exhilarating that I have to constantly yell! That's why the NCAA tournament supercedes your favorite shows or forces them to air reruns!

Paul: So now with two minutes on the clock, Florida and Villanova are tied. It's a much closer game than anyone could have anticipated, considering Villanova isn't even here due to their team bus getting stuck in a tight hallway that the driver thought he could clear.

Dickie V: That's right, Paul. When the announcement was broadcast over the PA system, the Florida half of the stadium went absolutely bonkers while the Villanova faithful went so silent that you could cook an egg on the sidewalk. We thought it was over, baby! Finito before it startedo!

Paul: And somehow, despite the setback of not actually being here, Villanova is keeping this a tight game. These kids have real heart, Dickie. They make me feel like a weak man who should be ashamed to occupy the same stadium that they aren't in.


Dickie V: Rightfully so, baby!
Paul: I hope your seats have comfortable edges, folks, because I have the feeling you're going to be standing for the duration of this one. This has all the makings of a down-to-the-wire nail biter!

Dickie V: Oh God, I hope this one doesn't go into overtime!

Paul: Haha, your heart can't take the tension?

Dickie V: No, I've got somewhere to be!

Paul: Oh, you've got plans?

Dickie V: An appointment at the fertility clinic! I've been trying to have a baby, baby!

Paul: I didn't even realize you were married, Dickie! I wish you and your wife all the luck in the world.

Dickie V: I don't have a wife, I'm driving to the lane solo on this one! I tell ya, trying to conceive a child by myself is proving more difficult than I had anticipated! I'm pretty sure it's just my technique though, once I learn to plant my feet firmly and follow through with my wrist the right way I'll be gold!

Paul: Well, I hear there's a- oh my God a tiger has run onto the court and mauled one of Florida's players! That boy's face is just dangling there like a clump of stringy cheese hanging off the side of a slice of pizza!

Dickie V: I'm always telling young players that you've got to have the passion and the drive to keep your face attached to your skull or that will happen to you every time.

Paul: But wait, the officials have blown the play dead and are congregating at the score table... and they're signaling that the tiger did not check himself in before the play! The mauling has been taken off the scoreboard! Oh, what a tremendous error by the tiger.

Dickie V: How can you not check yourself in? It's one of the fundamentals of the game, you've got to check yourself into the game before mauling an opposing player.

Paul: That tiger does not look happy, and he's showing some serious attitude to the head referee. If he doesn't watch it, he'll be - yes, there we are. He's been thrown out of the game. Florida retains possession of the ball with twelve seconds left in a tie game. This is make or break time.

Dickie V: Now you've got to win or go home, baby! And if you live in this stadium, then it will take at least a few hours for everyone to clear out of your home. Then comes the cleaning crew. I guess you'd be looking at a bedtime of somewhere around 1:30am.

Paul: That's just not an acceptable bedtime, not in the least.

Dickie V: Exactly, which is why you want to win.

Paul: Speaking of which, the clock is running out as Florida advances the ball past half court. There's a man wide open under the net. They lob him the ball... AN ALLEY OOP WINS IT! Oh my GOODNESS what a play!

Dickie V: Did you see that slam dunk? You've got to be kidding me! A dunk couldn't be more beautiful if Tyra Banks was dunking and the severed head of Charlize Theron was the ball!

Paul: And what's this? The Florida players are removing their uniforms and revealing Duke uniforms which had been hidden beneath! I can't believe it! After getting eliminated this past Thursday evening Duke makes a miracle comeback with the trick play of the century!

Dickie V: That's why you practice in the off season, so it pays off big time in the big game! What a miracle win!

Paul: Absolutely. When everyone else counts you out, including the tournament record keepers, the only people left to believe in you are your teammates.

Dickie V: This was one for the ages, my friend. Who could have possibly seen this coming?

Paul: The Duke players?

Dickie V: Yeah, I guess you're right.



Notice how even Mr. Tucker's Stalker manages to squeeze in some talk about Duke, just like how we've had them shoved down our throats all season long, even when most people knew this Duke team was no where near the level of hype they were getting.



Have a nice day, and Go Villanova.

[D-nice]

I took my girl out last night so she could shake her rump, and I missed the entire coverage but I did flip on espn at 130 am to see what? coverage of all the days games, nope dickie v explaining why DUKE would be back next year! yikes lover lover, this one is not over yet.