Shaq Quotes After the Win Last Night.

[The Ancient Enemy]

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Shaq did two one-on-one interviews last night. ESPN, and a guy from The Ticket. No other sports agency, no other writers, nothing. This had me almost wrecking the car of laughter.

Interviewer: "Would you take a dump in the back of your SUV every day for a whole year with the windows up just to win an NBA Championship?"
Shaq: "Yes. There's a little thing up your butt that if you rub it it turns to diarreah. I would even diarreah in it."
"Do you know this from personal experience?"
"Yes."

"Would you let any of your teammates pee on you just to win a title?"
"No, but I did pee on Phil Jackson once."

"Would you take your sister to a porno movie and tug on your thing a little just to win a title?"
"Nah, no way."
"Why not?"
"My sister's not fine enough."

"Would you let OJ Simpson hang out with your wife and kids while you are on road games just to win a title?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Yeah, I would, he'd be okay with a black family."

"I am gonna give you a paper cut and Magic Johnson a paper cut and you two have to shake hands for a whole minute, to win an NBA Championship."
Immitating the Tums jingle: "No, no no no nooooo."

Then he said that Pat Riley is the Italian version of Shaq's dad, then added "I don't know if he's Italian or not."