Pitt Talks of Wannstedt Monument.

[The Ancient Enemy]

Pope Rottweiler I reporting

ASSOCIATED PRESS: (Oakland)

University of Pittsburgh Director of Athletics Jeff Long said in a conference earlier Monday that there are talks of a monument to current head football coach Dave Wannstedt. Wannstedt, the former NFL coach of Chicago and Miami, came to Pittsburgh last season after the exit of now former head coach Walt Harris. The news of this monument left a small chatter of surprise among those in attendance. "They didn't let me finish what I was saying," says Long. "There is a stipulation to building this monument. That stipulation is that we get Penn State in a home game at Heinz Field." The intrastate rivalry between Pitt and Penn State has been at a standstill for 6 seasons, as both sides point fingers at the other for stopping the series. One student from the local area came up with a theory that it is essentially a home game for Penn State, because of their alumni and enormous fanbase, which would fill the stadium with more PSU fans than Pitt fans. This student is a reknowned genius and is very respected within all circles.

Opposition to the creation of the statue is not just from outside the Pitt administration. It seems as if Wannstedt should maybe have to prove himself in more than one season before a monument is built. "I think Wannstedt should have to prove himself in more than one season before a monument is built," said University of Pittsburgh President James "Earl" Jones, Jr. The local yokels are also questioning this monument. "I think Dave Wannstedt should have to prove himself in more than one season before a monument is built," said longtime crack addict Tanisqua Hawkins of the Hill District. Even suspected corpse Johnny Majors, who was twice the head coach for the Panthers, has shown his opposition to this monument. When questioned, Majors removed his jawbone with his skeleton hand and shook it at the reporters as worms fell out of his eyeballs.

"Look, it's just an idea, okay? We'll never build this monument anyways, and Wanny will never be given the true recognition he deserves, because Penn State is deathly afraid of Pitt," said Jeff Long in a phone interview. He concluded by saying, "I hate Anthony Morelli and I am glad Old Man Palko ran him out of the city just like St. Patrick Ewing drove all the whites out of Harlem."


SHOWN ABOVE: Pitt AD Jeff Long displays a replica of the projected monument to Coach Wannstedt.