Dave Wannstedt and Jaime Dixon Team Up.

[The Ancient Enemy]

ASSOCIATED PRESS--
(12:50 PM Oakland)
POPE ROTTWEILER I REPORTING



It's a great day in America when two men of such superhuman accomplishments come together for the common good. Those two men are none other than University of Pittsburgh coaches Dave Wannstedt and Jaime Dixon. Wannstedt has shown his incredible talent for beating teams he's not supposed to beat, and Dixon has basketball teams live up to expectations year in and year out. "It's just common sense to team-up, I have a lot of common sense," said Wannstedt in a phone interview earlier Tuesday. "When me and Jaime get together, you know something is about to happen. It's not every day that you see me doing something intelligent." Dixon echoed Wannstedt's statements. "I think there needs to be more interaction between the football and basketball programs. Pitt is a great school, full of great legends and many championships that may or may not have actually existed, or been attained after the initial expectations."

Pitt has a long history of great athletes like Chevy "Colonel" Troutman, Dan "Little Escobar" Marino, and sports mastermind Mark May. Wannstedt is constantly thinking up ingenious ways to get Pitt's football program back to the hay-days of 8-4 records, circa 1975, when Tony Dorsett stampeded over teams which may or may not have existed. "We're looking to bring in recruits that are as good or maybe even better than Dorsett was before he had his surgery," Wannstedt said. He is referring to Tony Dorsett's voluntary castration, where he woke up one morning with a very minor leg soreness, and decided that he never would walk again. Today, Dorsett can be seen riding around in a motorized wheelchair all over Pitt's campus, yelling and trying to get more head coaches fired for no apparent reason.

In an effort to find the next Dorsett, Wannstedt turned to basketball coach Jaime Dixon, who surprisingly has been able to recruit quality players despite the team's complete incompetence in crunch time, year in and year out. Wannstedt said, "When I invented the concept of building a wall around western PA, I was criticized for it. But like any great inventor, like Nikolai Tesla and Richard Simmons, I worked until I got it right. And now I have a plan that is fool-proof. Now who's laughing?" Dixon pulled up the cloth amid camera flashes yesterday afternoon, unveiling the new plan of action. Wannstedt has hired Dixon to use his beaver teeth to saw down all the woods in a 60 mile radius of Pittsburgh. Then, both teams will work hard to build the wooden fortress. Dixon was happy to be able to help, "I'm delighted that Dave asked me to help him do this. I really think that this is something both programs can utilize." But the critizism still remained. West Virginia head coach, and overrated loudmouth, Rich Rodriguez called the idea "stupid", but while the criticism went on, so did the jubilation. Longtime literary sensation Chico Harlan called the idea "masterful... a work of epic genius" while Curtis Martin, former Pitt player and irrelevant NFL running back, sobbed at what he called a "beautiful, beautiful project invented by a beautiful, beautiful man." Only time will tell how well the wall stands come Letter of Intent Day in February.

[vman]

Nice to know there is still good stuff to smoke on the various campus' throughout the country!

[TheAnalyst]

I hear that there are some people in Bedford who really know how to build a fort, that may or may not have existed. Just offering, in case these two need some expert advise on building a wall......

[Crimson09Crazy]

reading that was a complete waste of my time


no offense Ancient Enemy

[The Ancient Enemy]

Great article.

[Crimson09Crazy]

wasnt my favorite post youve had

but i usually do enjoy your posts

[The Ancient Enemy]

Hey, that was the Associated Press. I got that straight off a high-caliber news site.

[hilltoppanther]

Entertaining but inaccurate.

The skinny on Curtis Martin (hardly an irrelavant NFL running back)

4th All-Time Leading Rusher
12th All-Time Rushing Touchdowns
19th All-Time Touchdowns

You want irrelavant, try Penn State great Blair Thomas.

[The Ancient Enemy]

Blair Thomas is a great man.

[D-nice]

You suck!! go clean joepa's diaper. Psu sucks at everything except for discriminating against minorities and drinking and getting white girls pregnant on campus. dumb hicks. Lavar Arrington is the greatest player to come from penn state and he is lazy and fat just like paterno thinks all blacks are.