Paterno Comments on Blue-White Game.

[The Ancient Enemy]

Paterno Comments on Blue-White Outing



ASSOCIATED PRESS
Mad-Dog Perkins reporting
4-23-07

It was a great day for all Lion fans as the long-awaited 2007 season finally started to take shape. Most fans were in attendance to see the new Lions, while others were there simply because they realized there was no way Penn State would lose this game. That's right, the winners would inevitably be Penn State, for those of you who are too braindead to understand. We call those people "Democrats".

Once again our faithful and brilliant leader, Papa Joe, trotted out the boys in blue (and white) and prepared for another epic scrimmage in front of 110,000 very pathetic fans who need girlfriends or at least a married woman who will cheat on her husband for an hour 2 or 3 times a week in a shady hotel located somewhere in this great Keystone State.

The pride of State College, Anthony Morelli, looked as impressive as ever in his 3 completions for 27 yards and 14 interceptions. This interception total is staggeringly lower than all of his individual performances in the entire 2006 campaign. "Tailback of the future" Austin Scott celebrated not only his first starting role, but also his 37th birthday on Saturday. The offensive line gave him the birthday gift of 48 carries for 23 yards and no TD's but he did recover 7 of the 16 fumbles he generated. All-Universe linebacker Dan Connor was in top form as well, racking up 2 tackles and losing 3 quarts of blood from slashing his own wrists every time he realized he did not declare for the NFL draft. But the brightest star for the Lions on this day was WR Chris Bell, who had an amazing tipped catch that he'll never produce in a real game. Fans were in drunken awe as Bell made the catch, and some fans said afterwards that they were genuinely excited for the season until they realized Paterno was still the head coach.

Coach Paterno was his usual slow-spoken, drooling, geriatric self at the post game press conference. Our team of crackhead reporters grilled him on all sorts of interesting topics like recruiting, season outlooks, and alien autopsy conspiracies. "I think we played an okay game. Andre Collins is gonna be a great linebacker someday." Coach Paterno was of course referring to the former standout that graduated in about 1980. "Franco made a couple nice runs. That one where he caught that deflected ball before it hit the ground, and then ran it back for a TD... that was a nice little play on his part."

The Lions return almost the whole defense intact from a year ago, a defense that kept Penn State afloat the entire season. On the offensive side of the ball, the Lions return quite a lot also, including 3 or 4 starting linemen who will be just as terrible as their last few predecessors. There's ample reason to see why the boys are talking about a national title run this season. "It's nice to hear them talk big. But sometimes you can't even dress yourself, or go to the bathroom on your own. Maybe you can't even see because your glasses are too big. Maybe you even get vertigo in the pressbox because Kyle Brady runs into your leg during a game. I mean, there's a lot of factors. We gotta play Michigan in Ann Arbor. Bo Schembechler is gonna be a hell of a coach someday. We can beat Yale, I think, maybe Cornell. We set this play up in practice this week where I hand off to George and then go out for a screen pass. They don't see things like that in this league anymore."

Talk quickly turned to the Lions recruiting, another solid year for the Nittany Lions, always a bright spot even when the team fails on the field. "I'm gonna meet with Rutherford on Letter of Intent Day, in the morning. I'm confident we can get him. I'm gonna miss Zack when he graduates, he's gonna be a hell of a quarterback someday. I think someone just urinated in my pants."

Questions of course turned to Coach Paterno's health, as he is clearly not getting any younger. But the old lion is steadfast. "I fell down in the house and hurt my hip. Sue gets upset, you know. I tripped over all the stuff I swept under the carpet in the living room. I was laying there, you know. Lavon kept whispering from under the carpet asking if I was okay. I told him I was fine, just had to rub some bread on it. Sometimes I lay in the bathtub and just wrap sausage around my head. It calms me down."

The Lions did have one casualty in this season's scrimmage, however. Freshman Jon Ditto will be undergoing a lengthy rehab to repair his injured shoulder. "I just kept telling him to put some Milano bread on it. He didn't wanna do it. I had to keep chasing him around the locker room, taping slices of bread on his shoulder. He protested but I told him science never sleeps. He'll be ready to practice by Thursday."

Before the old man needed to take his medicine and nap, he did answer a question regarding the supposed expansion of Beaver Stadium, scheduled to start at the end of this upcoming season. "Oh, they never stop. Pretty soon they'll be 47,000 people watching the games live. It would be nice if we had a device where you could stay at your house and see the games somehow. The fields smell horrible from all those horses parked outside the stadium. Those poor animals. But they get to go to the bathroom wherever they want. I wish I could do that. I tried Depends, they chafe my legs. I think someone just urinated in my pants again."